| Summer |
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| 08:10am 06/05/2007 |
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So, summer officially began for me a few days ago. In less then an hour I'll be heading back to Saginaw. It's not where I imagined I'd be for the stretch, but I'm ok with it. For the past two years I have dreaded the summer in Saginaw. But this year it's met with open arms. This year has been the hardest on me thus far, and maybe this is just me being weaker then I thought, but I want a break. I want to stop playing the adult.
Forgive me if I seem absent in my arrest, but I really need this time to think. I'm thinking of it as my hiatus. You know, when artists sneak off to Italy and France to reconnect. A little like that, only not nearly as glamorous :) But I'm going to spend the time in quiet solitude, mostly. Reading, writing, drawing, maybe even honing my newly found painting skills. Thank you, Design I class, I didn't even know I could :)
I am looking forward to spending time with my mom, though. The past year has been hard on us both, and for the first time in a long time, we took it out on each other. We need this time to remember what we were like.
A few weekend trips have been put into the works, and I am looking forward to those with an eager heart. But mostly, I'm looking forward to a quiet, relaxing summer.
As much as I'll miss you all and this wonderful place, its been exhausting, frusterating, dramatic, and, at times, disappointing. Such is life. Maybe we can all take this time to re-evaluate our situations and the ways that we live and operate. If we do, I know we'll come back stronger and more alive with a renued sense of faith and an insatiable bravado.
It'll be my last summer in Saginaw and I'm relieved about that. But I just need one more. One more before I grow up.
Have a safe and wonderful summer vacation. Use the time wisely and make it worth your while. I love you all and I can't wait to hear all about it in the fall :) |
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| This is your life and its ending one minute at a time |
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| 11:43pm 17/04/2007 |
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mood:  aggravated
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I really can't stand my job anymore. I really wish I didn't need it so badly, or that there were other oppertunities in this dried out town.
I'm so tired of being bossed around and bitched at by people who aren't even in positions above me. People who have no right to tell me how to do my job. I know what I'm doing and I do it, so don't use me for your little ego-trip. Just because your some sniveling, struggling nobody whose just as unhappy about your minimum wage service job as I am doesn't mean that you can use me to make yourself feel better. Your the same person walking out that you were walking in. You're still that sniveling struggling nobody.
And I am so tired of being disrespected by people who are in positions above me. Maybe you should start acting like a leader instead of placing blame on everyone but yourself. This whole operation is your responsability and if something goes wrong its obviously due to your inability to do what you're paid to. Once again, I know what I'm doing and I do it, so don't use me for your little ego-trip. Just because you are some sniveling, struggling nobody who isn't doing exactly what you picture yourself doing when you attempted to earn whatever degree it was you were trying for in college; just because you aren't nearly as successful as you planned; just because you are unhappy about the mistakes you've made and the place you've ended up doesn't means you can use me to make yourself feel better. You're the same person walking out that you were walking in. You are still sniveling struggling nobody.
All of the co-workers, all of the managers, all of the piss-ass, ignorant, arrogant, utterly rude customers are enough to make me want to pull a Fight Club. My own little version of biological terrorism in a bow tie. You always hear about it happening and maybe now I understand why, because, honestly, some people really deserve it. Because there is something satisfying about knowing that they are getting their's when, all the while, they are utterly clueless to it all. We call it karma, folks. And when there is an anonymous tip called in to the health department to check the lobster bisque, and its all over the papers that an undetermined amount of body fluid was found in the food, don't be surprised. And while all the party guest are over their toilets trying to rid their bodies of foreign substances, I'll be laughing.
Of course I'd never do it, but if you're ever in, I wouldn't suggest the chowder. |
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| NYC |
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| 12:24pm 05/02/2007 |
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mood:  pensive music: Lily Allen
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I see it in photographs and television screens. Glossy magazine pages and wall-sized movie screens. And why does it bring me to tears every time? I wasn't always sure of what, but I never questioned where. I see so many people failing and I keep telling myself that can't be me. And when she said she couldn't stand it much longer it almost broke my heart, but it didn't break my spirit, because maybe I'll be stronger. I will be stronger. She moved to prove that she could. I'm moving, because I can't think about anything else. I can't describe it. You just need to witness it. And, yeah, its going to be hard and I've gotta get my shit together in the next three years or it won't happen and I think that would just about kill me. I close my eyes and think about those city streets and that's all the motivation I need. And sometimes I think the reason I can't sleep, or the reason I'm so unhappy is, because I won't feel complete until I'm there. I keep telling myself its only 3 years away, but why does that seem so far away when all I see is a mile long stretch of strip malls? I wish I had the means to just pick up and leave... |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Just admit you loved it! |
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| 11:48pm 21/01/2007 |
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So, I'm on kind of a 90's music kick. Ridiculous, I know, but I remember how much I loved those songs then and listening to them now just puts me in a good mood. The problem is that I can't remember the names of a lot of the ones that I liked, or I'm feeling like I've forgotten about some that should probably make there way onto my playlist. So, this is where you come in...leave me a comment telling me some of your faves. Come on...it'll be fun :) Here are some of mine so far
1. Standing Outside a Broken Telephone Booth - Primitive Radio Gods
2. Mouth - Merril Bainbridge
3. Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground
4. Counting Blue Cars - Dishwalla
5. Breakfast At Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something
6. Follow You Down - Gin Blossoms
7. Glygerine - Bush
8. Zombie - The Cranberries
9. Run Away Train - Soul Asylum
10. Down - 311
11. Everybody Hurts - R.E.M.
12. Lightening Crashes - Live
13. The Best I Ever Had - Vertical Horizon
14. Jumper - Third Eye Blind
15. Steal My Sunshine - LEN
16. Here Comes the Hot Stepper - Ini Kamoze
17. Lovefool - The Cardigans
Now its your turn! |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| ehhh |
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| 06:48pm 15/01/2007 |
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music: And I'm telling you (I'm not going)-Jennifer Holiday
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My dog is gone. And even though its only until May I feel so completely shitty. I'm worried and pissed off and sick to my stomach. It seems so silly and so stupid to love an animal that much, but I've never felt heartbreak quite like this. It aches in such an odd way and its so deep. In some ways, I think that this must be the kind of love that parents feel for their children. A love that's truly unconditional. Blah...I'm trying to concentrate, but that's so hard to do. I'm so fortunate to have my mom and sister, who are really helping me out with the whole situation. And of course, my roomates who are offering a shoulder to cry on at anytime :) But I don't think I'll stop missing him until he's back by my side. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| Just some advice from the future in fashion |
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| 05:05pm 07/12/2006 |
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mood:  bitchy music: Ummm no
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I hate when girls wear some variation on goucho pants and they are somehere between gouchos and burmudas and then they try to wear them with knee high boots, but the pants don't overlap the boots, so there is a half inch of skin peeking through between the pants and the boots. Shallow, I know, but ridicilous things like this usually tick me off. I guess I just hate it when people try too hard for style. Style is effortless. K, bye.
ps- and please dress for your size, because no one actually believes your a size 6 when you're really an 8, and that just looks messy, so own that 8, sista, and work it like its nobody's business. |
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| Blah dee blah blah |
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| 03:27pm 06/12/2006 |
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mood:  stressed music: Ohhh nothing
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I don't really understand how winter can, at times, make you feel so alive and then, at times, make you feel completely shitty. I don't think I'd say I'm either right now, but I am completely stressed. I hate the week before exams even more than exam week. Is it time for Holiday yet? I need this break... |
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| I was tagged :) |
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| 05:27am 05/12/2006 |
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mood:  creative music: Everythings Music!
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Amanda whore face I've got your Topping right here tagged me so I'll honor her skankified request and do so...also I'm bored.
List five songs that you currently love.
It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now.
Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog.
Then tag five other livejournal friends to see what they're listening to.
1. How it Ends - DeVotchKa
I really think this song is exactly what music should be. Layered, mysterious, painfully yet perfectly nostalgic. I think I'm drawn to it, because of the way that I've been feeling lately. There's so much searching for self discovery, so much yearning for knowing who you are and what you came from echoed in every line. I have to close my eyes every single time I listen to it.
2. Sound of Silence - Simon and Garfunkel
Thank my mom for introducing me to this. I love music from the 60's. It had so much passion; so much meaning. I love connecting with my mom over this kind of stuff, too. Music has the ability to bring people together and that's what this song does. Not to mention it accurately documented a collective feeling of an era. I'm fascinated by the whole time period and from what I've gathered, this song pretty much sums it up.
3. So I thought - Flyleaf
This is another song that can't be experienced fully unless you close your eyes (headphones are always best for listening). I've been thinking so much lately, maybe too much, and I've really identified with this one. It makes me question and that's always good. And I'm sickeningly pensive and nostalgic, no matter how hard I try to apply a 'never look back' policy.
4. What A Good Boy - Barenaked Ladies
I know what it feels like to hold back everything you've been dying to say. Its something I still struggle with. I don't know how many letters have made their way to the trash instead of the mailbox. And then there is that listless feeling. The emptiness. We all struggle, at some point, to find meaning in ourselve, our lives, and our relationships. I think that this song is a perfect reminder.
5. Maps - The Yeah, Yeah, Yeah's
This song just has a sweet, and surprisingly soft industrial sound (if that's possible). The sound hits you in these incredible waves. Play this song loud, stand up, close your eyes and tell me if you don't find yourself moving in some way. It comes at you from every possibly direction; from every possible angle. This song is magic. And I guess, in many ways, the lyrics are fitting.
Now, there are many, many more I've been listening to, that you should check out like No Doubt - Running, Bear vs. Shark - Ma Jolie and Michigan, 30 Seconds to Mars - Modern Myth and From Yesterday, and Rufus Wainwright - Complainte De La Butte. All of those songs were deserving of a top 5 spot, as well, but chyaknow. Anyway, I'm not tagging anyone. List them if you'd like. I'd love to hear what you are hearing. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| And I swear to God I'll find myself in the end |
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| 01:30am 16/11/2006 |
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mood:  zen music: The Story - 30 Seconds to Mars
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I definately had a bit of a breakdown last night. It was odd, because it was completely unexpected. I didn't even feel it coming on until I was in it. I've been thinking a lot about this art project that I have to do for my ART126 class and I think it was sort of the culmination of all of that. I can tell that its going to be a deeply personal experience. It isn't even supposed to be one of those things that you put a lot of effort into, but I find myself wanting to. Not to impress my professor, or get an A in the class. I want to do this for me. Rephrase -- I need to do this for me. I guess I just realized that there's a lot I've been burying for the past couple of years. I guess this project will be the beginning of the process of uncovering. I have so many unanswered questions that I keep plaguing myself with and I think its about time I begin to answer them or accept that I cannot. Trust me...I understand that this project will in no way be the end of the experience, but its a good place to start. And I guess I'll just have to keep creating until its finished. When will that be? I'm not sure now, but I'm sure I will.
It's funny, because I don't think I fully understood what it meant to create art until now. Until you find yourself curled in the fetal position on your shower floor, you haven't a clue. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| I put them boys on rock, rock |
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| 06:58pm 06/11/2006 |
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mood:  content music: Don't feel like dancin' - Scissor Sisters
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I spent my entire life hating it. What I really needed to do was get away from it to appreciate it. We all like to go home. No matter how adult we may feel that we are, its nice to be taken care of. We all like to have our mothers kiss our forheads and hand us chocolate chip cookies.
I could spend this entire entry in metaphors and cryptic lines like I usually do, but I'm going to simplify. I'm going to take it back to basics, because that's what I did this weekend. It was nice to get away from my life and go back for just a little bit. I feel refreshed and ready to handle the rest of the semester, or atleast what's left until Thanksgiving Break.
I realized that I have the most amazing family. My mom and sister are two of the most amazing women I've ever met and I'm so lucky to call them mine. :) |
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| Oh my God, Becky, look at her butt... |
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| 01:10am 23/10/2006 |
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mood: content music: The Way You Look Tonight - Tony Bennet
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I've fucked up at my job more times than I can count and I'm really mad at myself for doing so. Its not that I love my job, or particularly care about what those people think of me, but I've always been a professional person and I haven't exactly been acting like it lately. I'm not exactly in the position to be fired either. I couldn't handle that financially. I just know that I need to step it up a little bit. Even thought I hate it, I need to devote a little bit more to it.
I worked a wedding last night. I really enjoy working the weddings. Not the running around, the stressed out and therefore angry managers, the work or the time involved, but the atmosphere. There are two people who can't stop looking at each other and family that hasn't seen each other in months. There is so much love in that one room, it's almost impossible not to feel good. About life, about love and goodness. I'm admittely a very cynical person, but when I'm in that room I can't wait. I can't wait for the day when I'll have someone to take my hand and lead me to the dance floor, sing, however badly, 'the way you look tonight," in my ear. Those moments are perfect and even I can see it. Something about it all really moves me and, for a second, makes me feel utterly hopeful.
This weekend has been amazing. Filled with friends I haven't seen in awhile (Chris and especially Amanda), silly moments, slight buzzes, and tons of laughs. <3 |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| blah... |
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| 10:05pm 15/10/2006 |
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mood:  exhausted music: A Decade Under the Influence - TBS
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The past few days have been rough, to say the least. Filled with so much oddity and coincidence it was sickening. I just don't understand why uncomfortable situations need to cross. Just when you think your fine...all of these old feelings resurface. Maybe I'm more immature when I thought, because I can't understand why I do some of the things that I do; why almost everything needs to end badly. Go big or go home I guess. It just makes for such awful moments. I don't think I realize what a small world it is. When burning bridges, this can be your biggest mistake. And after its all said and done I feel like I have to tie up loose ends pretty and neat. Find closure in all of my dirty messes. Fuck closure. There's no such thing...
This should have been one of the greatest weekends of the school year, it was HOMECOMING for pete's sake. I can't say that it wasn't memorable, but it wasn't at all what I planned. One of the saddest things is having to wake up at 6:30 to go to work. Work all day in a freezing cold concession stand with a bunch of sorority girls (whom you aren't affiliated with so heaven forbid they treat you like a person) serving drunk college co-eds all day. This stand, mind you, faces the tailgating lot and the student section, so the entire game all you see is a non stop party that you CAN'T be a part of. It feels like the whole world is a part of something amazing and you aren't invited. After this heartbreak there's even more work involved in closing the stands and you're thinking that there's even more work at home waiting for you. At this point its 7pm and the news comes that you're close to walking home. I wanted to cry.
When I finally got home I felt dog tired and almost didn't feel like going out. I'm glad that Christie and I did. I think if our day had ended like that, I would have had a nervous breakdown.
Please, no one speak of their adventures on homecoming weekend, because believe me, I don't want to hear it. If you had an awesome time, keep it to yourself, because it could only make me feel worse. If you had a bad time, keep it to yourself because you will get absolutely no sympathy from me. Let's just forget the whole thing happened... |
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| Humph! |
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| 12:41pm 13/10/2006 |
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So, it appears that Frank the Goat enjoys a nice pair of slacks. We have that in common. I too enjoy a nice pair of slacks.
I'm glad I can still laugh when things seem to be a bit wrong lately. Off in a sense that I can't put my finger on. Well, I guess that I can. I just can't believe the audacity some people have. I mean, I thought I was selfish. Some people take it to a whole new level.
The saddest thing about this situation is, that most of these people are people that you loved or cared about at some point...and they aren't all the people you knew before.
If you must change, then change for the better. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Eat your heart out Nicole Ritchie |
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| 10:07pm 02/10/2006 |
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mood:  amused
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I'm the type of girl who wears skinny jeans even though all fashion authorities, tell me I shouldn't, because I'm too short. I use the excuse that I don't follow trends; I make them, and while that's true I think its more. I think I like they emphasis they put on my pretty curves. Its nice to see something soft in all of my rigidity...
...plus I'm totally rockstar ;) |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Suburban Dream |
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| 01:35am 25/09/2006 |
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mood:  ? music: So I thought - Flyleaf
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Retell it in light, color, and sound.
All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning to us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because so long I was
So in love with you
So I thought
A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods you learn to much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies about the times
A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it
Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last between
Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it |
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| Key Strokes |
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| 12:56am 13/09/2006 |
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mood:  sleep deprived music: Completely Buried - Darling Waste
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I think I'm falling asleep before these fingers feel the keys, but I'm tossing and turning in my place. Something still keeps me awake. Its akward still and dull, but I know its there. I've been feeling so much pressure from so many sources and its just got to give. Why can't people get that I have a plan and I couldn't include you if I wanted to try. But all of these eyes watch the moves that I make and they wonder what it meant and why I did it. Why can't you understand that I can't explain and not everything that's calculated has absolute intention. They may just be movements or words. But I can hear whispers from other rooms and I know what your thinking. You wish that I cared. The truth is I can't. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Does anyone notice? |
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| 10:37pm 10/09/2006 |
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mood: pensive music: The Best of Me(accoustic) - The Starting Line
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There is this cornfield outside of my townhouse. My bedroom window looks directly down on it. When I first moved in, all of the stalks were beautiful and tall. They were so green and fruitful. And, in the sunlight, it shined so brightly we'd have to close the shades in the kitchen. That field is still beautiful, but in a different sort of way. Its drooping slightly and wheat colored, with a few specs of green. All of the cobs have dropped off of it. Its odd to watch that passage of time. To see that simple, but living none the less, being changing and aging. It seemed to happen so quickly as well, without any warning. And when I looked outside, its all I can see. Miles of cornfield and a road running through it. An impossibly vast, yet subtle reminder to stop, or atleast slow down. I know this seems like an odd thing to write an entry about, but there is more here than is being said. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| For you |
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| 11:22pm 06/09/2006 |
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mood: sympathetic music: Ender Will Save Us All - Dashboard Confessional
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I wanted to tell you this, and maybe you'll read it and maybe you won't, but I hope that you can take something away from it.
It doesn't get any easier. Things will only get more complicated and more difficult. And some days its going to suck. And some days you aren't going to want to get out of bed, but I hope that you do. Because none of this takes away from the fact that its all worth it. Whether you believe me about that right now, or not, please try and remember that. I may be one of the most cynical people you know, atleast outwardly, but I know what love is. It may be a long time coming, and you may lose it the next day, but its beautiful. And once you find it you aren't going to want trade that experience for anything. All of those bad days, all of those mood swings and tears...they're worth it. I promise you...
I'm sorry. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| One good stretch before our hibernation |
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| 11:34am 04/09/2006 |
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mood: calm music: Stolen-Dashboard Confessional
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I've been feeling a bit blank lately, like an empty canvas, but I know I'll fill up soon. I've been trying to make some changes and I feel good about it, like its the right thing.
My first week of school went well and I really do think I'm going to enjoy this semester. I landed a job pretty quickly, and though I don't really have that many days yet, its still a load off of my mind.
I have to say that things are looking up.
*You watch the season pull up its own stakes and catch the last weekend of the last week before the gold and the glamour have been replaced. Another sun soaked season fades away.* |
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